In Which Three Demons Think Up a Plot
In a room in the Palace of the Great Lord Lucifer, three demons were playing chess. This was very difficult for them to do for several reasons. The first of which was that chess was a two-player game. In an attempt to work around this, the pieces had been doled out in a confused manner that left one player, Asmodeus, with two queens and no other pieces (“they’re co-rulers, I tell you”), one player, Leviathan, with no knights (“because they’re such fools anyway, always charging you and calling you a dragon when you’re obviously a Great Wrym”), and the last player, Azrael, with all of the bishops in the game (“because they’re so easy to corrupt”). No one had any kings, because no one was stupid enough to recruit such a weak player if given another option. The demons had other ideas about possible rulers. Azrael, for example, had decided on a feudal system, wherein his knights ruled the country, and Asmodeus, of course, had two queens as rulers, thus sharing the power and making it so that if one died, Asmodeus wouldn’t have to leave the game. Leviathan had chosen a rook as a leader, claiming that they were more serpentine and then refusing to explain how that made any sense whatsoever.
Needless to say, these demons were both incredibly original and very foolish at the same time. This was in fact the second main reason why it was difficult for them to play chess; the third reason was that Leviathan did not, strictly speaking, have hands—or arms, for that matter—and moving the pieces was a bit difficult for him. Ignoring this unfortunate fact, Asmodeus and Leviathan both had tempers, and often during their turns the entire game would all devolve into a shouting match. At this, Azrael would threaten to smite them—he was a fallen angel and had never quite gotten the smiting out of his system.
“You know,” Asmodeus said slowly during one of her turns, running one of her red-painted fingernails over the top of a pawn. “For all of his talk about taking over Manhattan and Berlin and Leonard Cohen or whatever it was that he said, our Great Lord Lucifer hasn’t really been doing much evil.”
“No,” Leviathan hissed grumpily, watching her carefully nudge a pawn forward. His slit, snake-like eyes were narrow with concentration, paying close attention in case she should cheat. She had already tried seven times. He had caught her at two of them. “You know, I was ssssupposed to be—“
“—foretelling the apocalypse right about now, we all know,” Azrael interrupted. He studied his nails with careful nonchalance, wondering if he might borrow some of Asmodeus’ polish and paint them black. “You’ve told us a thousand times and we’ve all read the Bible, thank you.”
While Leviathan was grumbling, Asmodeus leaned over the chess board in excitement, causing her ample breasts to nearly fall out of her top. She did this often; she was the demon of lust, and despite the fact that neither of her companions cared much about her breasts, she liked to keep in practice. “That’s just it!” she exclaimed. “He’s been talking and talking, but really, we need to do at least a little of this by the Book.”
Azrael nodded thoughtfully. Unlike many demons, he liked to do things by the Book. It was an old habit.
“But we sssshouldn’t tell our Lord,” Leviathan said.
Asmodeus’ eyes widened and she shook her head several times, which looked as if it would come off any second. “No, no, no. Not a chance in Heaven.”
They all thought about the proposition that had been put before them for several long minutes, then Azrael said, “You know, I think I feel a plague coming on. If you’ll excuse me….” Azrael got up. The other two grinned at him, and then at once, all three disappeared.
