In Which Lucifer Enjoys Grammar a Little Too Much, And Other Things Happen Too
"It's a 'First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin' kinda deal. What? No Leonard Cohen fans here. Right." Lucifer, the Devil, pointed to the first city on the list, looking seriously at all of his followers around him. The demons, a motley bunch, looked back at him blankly.
It was so hard to get good help these days.
"Right," Lucifer said again. He coughed politely. "Okay. New York City: you'd think that it would be evil enough for us not to mess with it, right?" The demons all nodded obediently. "WRONG!" Lucifer roared. A few spiders fell from the rafters of the barn that Lucifer’s Demonic Horde™ had taken residence in and Lucifer smiled serenely. "New York has too much 'hope' this, 'new beginning' that. We have to crush that spirit if we want to crush the humans. LA's similar, but all the sex industry there keeps it from being first on the list. No, we go there second. San Fransisco's third-- too much free spirit, 'let's all be gay together' love. Humans are supposed to hate each other for who they're in love with and San Fran's just not living up to what we'd hoped. Are you all with me so far?"
The demons nodded. Bobble headed idiots, Lucifer would swear. Of course, Lucifer would swear to a lot of things. And at them. And on them. Lucifer had preposition love and was willing to use it to further his ability to swear.
"That reminds me-- what's up with the Antichrist, people? Anyone know where he's at?"
One demon tentatively raised her hand. Lucifer brightened. "Ah, yes, Asmodeus."
"He, um... he's good?" she offered.
Frowning, Lucifer asked, "Good as in, Dungeons and Dragons alignment equals Lawful Good or 'good' as in 'well'?"
Her brow furrowed. She had to think about that for several long moments, tapping one long, clawed finger against her red lips. "I think maybe both."
"Well, heaven bless it," he snarled. "Someone is going to have to retrieve him. I want his ass, you idiots. It belongs to me, and no hoity-toity heavenly dicks are getting anywhere near it. Try to sway my boy.... He's born and bred for this." He took a deep breath. "Belial, you can do that." While Belial scampered off, Lucifer clapped his hands together and smiled beautifully. "All right. Now, Vegas? Vegas we leave juuuuuust as it is."
